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Pansy Parkinson

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[31 Jul 2004|03:37pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Still sick. And now that I've returned, my father is reluctant to let me leave the house. Funny. Imagine that.

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[22 Jul 2004|07:36pm]
I quit my job today. Just walked right out the door. It was so much fucking easier than I thought it would be, and so much fucking harder too. I don't want to be in the middle anymore. I don't think I can be.

I'm going to see my father. I'm sorry, Ron. I love you. It's just... I love him too. And I miss him. And I want to figure out once and for all who I really am. And where my mum is. And what happened to my family.

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[16 Jul 2004|10:24am]
[ mood | angry ]

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[10 Jul 2004|08:26pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Finally, we're done moving. Which is good. I'd be so happy if I never saw another fucking box again. Or a dish or a plate, thinking about it. I've only worked at the Cauldron a week and already I HATE it. Sometimes, I think Blaise might have been on to something with her brothel crack.

Then again, maybe not.

I still feel aimless. A little better but not entirely.

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[03 Jul 2004|10:38am]
[ mood | worried ]

I'm a little worried about Ron. He's not himself lately and I'm sure that's got more than a little to do with me. I wish I wasn't so much of a fucking burden on the world.

On the bright side, I suppose, I've found a job waiting tables at the Broken Thorn. Starts tonight. I'll be working a night shift. Hopefully, Millicent won't show up there

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[27 Jun 2004|10:00am]
[ mood | angry ]

The feast is tonight.

And I get to sit at a table with my fellow Slytherins and pretend for a few minutes that I belong somewhere. Only... I don't know if I do anymore. But saying that just sounds like so much fucking whining. Still, I look at these applications I'm filling out, I look at the things to come and I have to wonder- where is Pansy Parkinson in all of this?

I don't know who I am anymore.

I used to know what I fucking wanted. I used to know that I wanted to do anything but what my father was doing, that I wanted to redeem my house and make us something more than a house of bastards and idiots. And now-?

I feel like my dream died. Like I traded it in for another, safer dream.

And I don't know how that makes me feel.

I don't know how to get it back.

I don't even know if I want to.

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[23 Jun 2004|01:45pm]
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Dennis is still missing. Is anyone going to look for him?

I'm almost shocked I'm saying this but- where are the fuck are you, Potter? About time to pull out your hero complex and start flogging us all with it, isn't it?

Or did you quit?
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[13 Jun 2004|08:19am]
Ron, can I come see you yet? I don't want to come until you think Pomfrey will let me in... she doesn't like me much, you know.


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[08 Jun 2004|09:09pm]
[ mood | angry ]

Someone has taken Ron. I don't know who and I don't know where but I will kill them. If that's what takes.

Maybe Millicent was right. I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about anything other than getting him back where he belongs. I'm not going to fucking let anything happen to him. It can't. I want to find who's responsible and rip them to pieces.

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[08 Jun 2004|11:13am]
He's been gone for too long. I should have gone to Mungo's with the others, only I thought I could get my information another way. I thought Malfoy was lying about not knowing where he was. Now I think he wasn't. I don't know what to do now. The only thing I can think of would be to go to the Ministry itself and beg someone to help me, an Auror maybe. Surely they're searching- right?

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[08 Jun 2004|05:37am]
Someone's taken Ron.

I'm going to fucking kill them.
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[31 May 2004|08:23pm]
A Parkinson does not send Howlers.

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[29 May 2004|12:10pm]
[ mood | angry ]

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[26 May 2004|09:25am]
[ mood | angry ]

Narcissa was like a mother to me, even when my mother wasn't. And now she's dead. I wonder what that means for my own mum. I wonder if she ever thinks of me. And my father...

I remember going shopping with her one year, picking out things for Mother's birthday. I lifted a crystal ball and spun it about, something my own Mum would never have let me do. That is, if she noticed at all. And inside the crystal was a shade that made me think of her eyes. The changing of them. How there was a softer light in them when she saw me or Draco or one of the other children around them. I think she would have been a good mother, although I can't really know. I had my own, such as she was.

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[22 May 2004|08:25am]
I can't say the way I feel right now. Fuck, it makes me feel a bit inadequate not knowing exactly how to tell him what I'm thinking, how the world's gotten bigger and smaller at the same time.


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I know I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should be making plans- I should be striking back. But at the same time, I want to know what's going to happen with him. I want to sleep, knowing that the ground will still be there when I wake up.

And then there's Colin. I feel so fucking bad about what happened. It was my fault. I ran when I should have looked behind. He got hit, not me. It's like it always has been. Molly Weasley got hit instead of me as well, only she died because of it. How will that end out for Creevey?

I haven't talked to Blaise in forever, I hope she's not pissed at me.

The armies- or what little there were of them- seem to have blown to the winds. I don't know if I should try and pull it together or give the world up for lost.
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[13 May 2004|12:44pm]
I feel happy for the first time in ages. Something must be wrong.

It's funny how hard it is to think of something to say in this journal when nothing is wrong. It's a lot easier to write when the world is falling apart and now, for once, things seem to be coming together. That's not how life works, however. It worries me.

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[07 May 2004|11:37am]
So I've taken a job at Dolohov's bookstore. It promises to be interesting, I think. I've never really held a job before so that worries me a little, but it can't be that difficult, right?

And other things in my life seem to be both clearing themselves up and becoming more obscured at the same time.

I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.

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[01 May 2004|08:17am]
[ mood | angry ]

I've just Owled Dolohov, asking about the summer job. It's stupid of me, I know, but there's nothing else I can do. I won't live at Hogwarts for the rest of my life- I won't. And all that I feel I've done lately is nothing. Better to work on my weekends and get some money saved.

I'm not Daddy's little princess anymore. Then again, I never really was, was I?

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Fuck, I can't think. Everyone is yelling in the hallway something about Brown- bloody fucking hell, the last thing I need to hear about this morning is a fucking Gryffindor. Will you all just shut it?

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[22 Apr 2004|09:16am]
[ mood | angry and lonely ]

I feel like my life is in stasis. I want something to do and yet, I'm afraid to do anything. I have to get over that feeling. Either the Death Eaters will take me or they won't. Either I'm going to die or I won't.

I talked to Draco the other day. Or okay, rather, I gave him my cigarettes. Which was fucked, really, as I've not all that much money left to spend on such things. It made me realize a lot of things though. Like how much I miss having him around. I wish I knew where he stood- I wish I knew where any of them stood, really. I wish this bloody fucking war wasn't here. I wish, I wish, I wish- I sound like a child who misses her father. The truth is, I do. Well, the truth fucking hurts sometimes, doesn't it?

I am too young to be nostalgic. Time to do something.

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[17 Apr 2004|02:43pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I'm so tired of waiting, waiting for everything it seems. I feel like the sky is falling, only no one has noticed it yet. The Muggles have raided a wizarding pub- am I the only one who thinks this is a little strange?

Or has this happened before and we never noticed? Or never were told?

I want to go find those Muggles and see what's behind this. I refuse to believe it was a simple coincidence. I don't believe in them.

Coincidences, I mean. Not Muggles.

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